I am calling “bullshit” on a lot of stuff……
I have a friend who has gone AWOL, and I can’t figure out why. Nothing makes sense in this situation. We had a very respectful relationship. There was a big age difference so it was more like a father/daughter relationship in many ways, but we were friends. We discussed business, I acted as a mentor in some conversations, and the student in many others. It really was a special relationship. I enjoyed her company. I would take her out to eat and learn what was going on in her life.
We discussed relationships. She knew my wife and now she knows my ex-wife. I knew her ex-husband, and when they broke up, I discussed this change with both of them. I felt like my world was affected by their life change as well. She and I continued being friends and we spent a lot of time at the local Mexican restaurant. Our visits were so intense with conversation that we closed down whatever restaurant we chose to visit in.
I had a great deal of respect for her abilities in her chosen profession, but especially in her writing. She is an awesome young woman that has seen what she wanted and then went for it. She has an amazing position and an uncanny understanding of that position. I was as proud of her as if she was my own daughter. But her real talent, in my mind, was/is her unbelievable talent to write. Her perspective is beyond my comprehension. Her life experiences have come together in a way that it has made her a blogger of distinction with a great following of new friends and people that appreciate her perspective and ability to translate that into the written word.
What she does not have yet, apparently, is the perspective beyond herself. She is concerned only with the world as it affects her, and does not have a grasp on what her actions do to others. I read her blogs and understand her life so clearly, as she writes beautifully. However, many of the things she demands from her other friends and relationships, she is not willing to give to those that love her and want to be in her life. I think it is sad, because she is losing the joy of giving, of being a friend, and of making a difference. I know this because I needed her ear, her empathies, her perspective of a specific problem that I was going through, the comfort of her friendship. I didn’t get it back.
Now I understand the need to build your self esteem, to prove worth of yourself again, to yourself and to people around you. Especially after a trauma such as divorce. It is important to build your self image back so that you can be productive in all your relationships. What I don’t understand is the concept of disposable friendships. The friend that you keep for as long as things are going your way, or that they are useful to your well being.
I have done something to be disposable. I am clueless. One evening we are texting, making plans to get together, and the next, phone calls are not being returned, text messages are not answered, and there has been a shut off of the friendship faucet. It was a loss. I have mourned.
Friendship to me is something deep. It is the familiarity with a person, understanding their attributes, good and bad. I try to pick my friends carefully, because they will be with me forever. I don’t throw them away. I have many friends that even though we don’t see each other often, we pick up where we left off and we treasure our memories and certainly look to make new ones. But I always know they are there for me, and they have the same assurance.
So I am calling “bullshit” on a lot of stuff. I think to maintain respect in a relationship, you have to demand it, but you also have to give it. If you want to find quality relationships, you have to put forth the effort, not just take the effort of others. If one is going to end a relationship, one should at least be big enough to explain why that is being done.
I don’t know what I have done, but I do know that I once had a friend that I respected and loved. And now that is gone. I am still here for that friend, should she ever decide that she wants our friendship. I will be here catching a free fall, or here to assist when needed, as I don’t make disposable friends.
