Life is so full of unfair turns and twisted paths….

I live my life honestly.  I love my friends.  I show them that I do.  I tell them that I love them and try to show that in the way that I interact with them.

I am continuously disappointed in the way that I am able to give to many of my friends and rarely get anything back.  I call and check up on them, I offer to help them, I take them out to eat, and try to show my appreciation for them.  But, almost across the board I rarely get anything back.  I never have anyone call me just to see if I am ok.  I live a very solitary life.  I don’t necessarily mind that, I like myself.  But to go through life and not make an impact in other people’s lives deep enough that when you are obviously hurting, or going through a rough time, that they don’t check on you, or call to chat, or do something totally unexpected to let you know that you have created impressions in life, is something that hurts very deeply.

I am not one that worries about my own feelings too often.  I am not a martyr, I am not without my ways, but I do try to put others first in most situations and have only learned, in the last bit, that being selfish sometimes is the healthier way to go.  At least that is the lesson that I am learning from my friends.

I am still in a battle with my bank.  They are going to take my house.  The pressure of that is so great that I can barely breathe sometimes from the weight of it all.  I love my house, but it is not that that’s keeping me from wanting to lose it.  It is the house I raised my children in, it is a house I designed and chose the perfect lot with the perfect view to spend my retirement years in, it is the house that would have housed my elderly mother when it was time for her to not live alone. 

I don’t want to lose my house.  But if I must sell it, it would be fun if a group of friends would come and help me get my house in a saleable condition.  I can’t even get my kids to do that.

I have had a couple of marriages that did not work out.  One, my wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and there was nothing I could do to help her.  I tried desperately, but the beauty of the marriage and our relationship had slowly dissipated for her into a veil of deceit, mistrust, and paranoia.  I tried to bring her back, but deceit and deception had an ally in our marriage counselor (who was a minister) and he wanted her for himself.  He had a relationship with my wife while we were in counseling.  Let me make that perfectly clear. HE WAS FUCKING MY WIFE WHILE GIVING THE IMPRESSION THAT HE WAS TRYING TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE.  It was a blow I was not able to fully recover from. 

When I was ready to remarry I found someone fun and different in many ways from my first wife.  I was looking forward to a new life and new adventures.  But I went from wading through years of blissful lack of understanding about the condition my relationship was in, to full-out CRAZY right out of the shoot.  When the vows completed, and the guests went home, she immediately, I mean immediately, showed her stripes.  She hated my kids, she wasn’t a good mother to hers, and she was a gold digger that wasn’t in the marriage, but for the ability to take my home from me.  Thank goodness it had been protected by a prenuptial agreement

My business has been sorely affected by the economy and will be for a long time.  I am a real estate broker and that has been my profession for so long that other options for making a living have long since disappeared.

I have been single for almost two years.  I am very lonely.  The responsibility of making sure my kids are all right, that my mother is healthy and self-sufficient, and that my business is on track is sometimes overwhelming.  I sit at home most nights, alone, working, or trying to get some social life by playing Facebook Scrabble.  I never hear from my friends.   Don’t even have many to call to ask out to eat or go to their house to hang out, or have them come to mine to watch a movie or anything.  Friends from church have seen me lately and tell me that they miss me and want me to come back.  I am very frank with them and tell them I am selfishly disappointed that no one has called me from the church.  My good friends from church still have not called.

Financially I am strapped.  Life is not the best it has been.

I still find that I have to keep on.  It will not get better worrying about it.  I am a doer.  I like to produce.  I am an optimist and I guess I always think that big deal is going to come through.  I am not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself, so this rant is more observation than true concern. 

I won’t lie, it would be very nice to know that sometimes I will get a call from a friend, or that the one that promises to call the next day will keep their word, or that someone cares about me.  I am very afraid that when it is my time to leave this world that there will be more empty seats in the church than full ones, to say goodbye.  Not where I thought I would be at this age, but life has been full of surprises.